what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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