Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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