I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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