He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
