i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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