Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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