i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Semen is not good for contacts.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had to cum in my sink.
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