the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
