i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
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You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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