I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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