I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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