So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
