I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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