if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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