Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I faked an abortion last night.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
