I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
