if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
