Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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