Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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