the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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