She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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