It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
