Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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