Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
