Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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