I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My bed smells like the plague
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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