Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
