He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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