Jerry, you need to find god
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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