Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
