i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We are two peas in an std pod
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
