i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
