my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
