i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
