I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am spending my child support on dildos
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You left your underwear on the fireplace
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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