You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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