you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
