oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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