I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
