She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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