I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
