take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
