I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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