I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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