Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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