you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
