You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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