haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
