I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I could fuck to npr.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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