I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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