Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
