i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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