im drinking this country out of the recession.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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