I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
