If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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