I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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