drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
