i love accidental penises.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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